Kathy Acker, Bodybuilding, and My Self-Affirmation as a Trans Woman

A struggle I face in my writing is the clear articulation of my trans experience. My identity, like all people, is free-form and can be difficult to explain when I’m not aware of my impulses. Sensations exist in an abstract realm that, when spoken aloud, may not reflect the full nuance of what is felt. This is especially the case for a label as fluid as gender identity. However, I know that I’m a woman and that I’m continuously striving to express that within hostile environments. As a result, writing that emphasises the will to reclaim the body resonates with me. One such example is the essay “Against Ordinary Language: The Language of the Body” (1993) by the writer Kathy Acker. What is expressed here is the desire to reject ordinary impressions of the body and to steadily focus on its potential beyond that.  

What I described earlier as a purely sensational description is referred to by Acker. In the opening, she expresses her struggle in trying to write about her bodybuilding exercises. Each time she tried to write, she felt as if she was ‘rejecting language [and] any verbal description of the process.’ There is a separation between committing to a physical act and doing justice to it in a descriptive form. Reading this for the first time, I felt a resonance in my attempts to express myself. Constantly I’m shifting from different clothes and other ways to dress myself. Beneath this is my body and I feel a constant distance. It’s as if I’m a sheep who is trying to grow wool to cover the flesh beneath. In a room with someone else, I want to be able to stare at them and comfortably breathe through the way I express myself. 

However, what’s important to note is that Acker’s intentions are purely to serve her own needs. The description of insecurity I described is caught between the pleasure of others and the desire to be accepted on my terms. When she begins to exercise, Acker describes this as ‘the crossing of the threshold from the world defined by verbal language into the gym in which the outside world is not allowed.’ To her, there is an inherent separation between the desires of the external world and the small space that you can occupy for yourself. Vernacular codes this separation. Here, I’m reminded of body dysphoria and how its description attempts to justify a vicious sensation. It links to the separation between ‘the ideal woman’ and any individual attempting to exist under their terms. However, the gym can be a place to be absolved from this divide. The only hierarchy in place is the routine you construct for your body.  

If dysphoria is purely internal, I believe its power can be challenged by a power you create for yourself.  This is where Acker’s repeated notion that ‘bodybuilding can be seen to be about nothing but failure,' is important. Elaborating on this, she pushes the muscle group ‘until the point that it can no longer move.' For progress to be made, Acker embraces the purpose of defeat to motivate. Here, absence is what grants the space for an individual to feel comfortable in their skin. This view motivates me to alter my relationship to my self-expression. Often, I find myself trapped in achieving ambitions that I feel are out of reach. However, the philosophy of failure that Acker describes shows that moments of weakness can act as potential for growth. 

This is reflected on the borderline of death. From Acker’s viewpoint, she believes that ‘death rejects all of our paths, all of our meanings.’ Here, the space for all progress revolves around the inevitability of passing. Whilst some may find a fatalist outlook from this, Acker uses this to expand on her notion of failure. In the face of passing, there is more value in building up the courage to self-express. Instead of committing to repression, death can be the motivation to live to the potential of euphoria. To me, being trans is a necessity for me to live. Sometimes I think back to the time I lived when I wasn’t willing to be honest with myself. To achieve this, I had to confront the fear of exposing my true self. My reaction to the absence of potential was to create comfort out of it. However, I must live up to the desires I feel internally. If I’m to breathe, I must appreciate the presence of death to see what I have for myself. Acker’s approach to bodybuilding reflects the potential a person can discover in the face of mortality.  

Later in the essay, Acker can accept a way for her to describe bodybuilding through language. Her justification arises in understanding that the act presents ‘a method for understanding and controlling the physical which in this case is also the self.' By reflecting on the specific exercises she commits to, Acker understands that there is a system that ties them all together. The role of this is to contribute to an affirmation of the body that reaches her interpretation of failure. I’m reminded of how phrases such as dysphoria and euphoria act as enablers for goals within my transition. My view of trans identity exists in a sensational context. When I perform my self-expression, I do so unconsciously from the expectations of binary gender. However, there is still a system of comfort through which I convey myself. In bodybuilding, there is the chance to construct the body under one’s ambitions to reach a vague sense of vindication. Inversely, this applies to the act of transition. Similarly, they are both determined by our language of pleasures and dislikes.  

The summary of this essay comes with a direct plea to the reader. Initially, she critiques individuals who ‘simultaneously fetishise and disdain the athlete.’ Contempt is directed towards those who oppress others with their expectations of the body. Presented here is an inverse of the use of language she previously described. Instead, a system of vernacular is used to craft an idea of what defines the attributes of an athlete. As indicated by Acker, the individualist traits of bodybuilding contradict the necessity for rhetoric that generalises what exercise should be built towards. Concluding this, she states that if the body is viewed as ‘disgusting and inimical [then we will] continue to regard ourselves as dangerous to others.' Instead of lingering on the potential for bodybuilding, Acker presents the danger of relying on dysphoria. It can result in inactivity where communicating with others is perceived as an unfamiliar act. When you create distance from your bodily appearance, this results in fragmentated discusses that can’t do justice to the vulnerability you wish to express. By presenting the danger of fatalism, Acker presents how her philosophy of failure can be used to motivate.  

This article serves as a chance to internalise motivation for my gender transition. If I construct a system of language for myself to work along, I can consider my boundaries alongside it. From there I can consider how I can respond to them and reach a point of satisfaction in my appearance. To me, the acceptance of the absence holds potential in what can be learned to read comfort in my self-expression.  

Image courtesy of Britannica.